Choose Kindness
But that doesn't mean you have to be nice.
I was in a conversation about kindness on one of the bad places, earlier today.
It was not a particularly productive conversation, which makes sense, because it was one of the bad places. The topic was kindness of all things, and throughout I endeavored to live up to that standard, but oh is that a hard standard to meet.
Let’s start with the Paradox of Tolerance.
The paradox basically comes down to, if you want to be tolerant you have to tolerate intolerance: thus tolerance is impossible. The traditional answer to the paradox is that intolerance breaks the contract with the tolerant person.
I love all people, including you, transfolk.
Well I don’t like transfolk.
Ok, I don’t like you.
you are a hypocrite, you said you love all people.
I do. I just don’t view you as a person anymore.
But, I believe the Paradox of Kindness is different.
The Paradox of Kindness
Remember “Mean People Suck”? For you old’uns and young’uns it was a catchphrase and T-shirt slogan from the 90s. I wasn’t allowed to say “suck” as a kid. This is how far we’ve come as a society.
This is an explicit statement that mean people including you suck.
You see, nice people and mean people is an idiotic binary. No one is always nice (it’s actually impossible) and no one is always mean (this might be possible). By utilizing a binary to simplify people into a caricature, you are being mean. Thus, you suck.
Now, maybe we are being economic with space. Maybe we really wanted to say “People who do mean things suck.” This is a bit better and shows some understanding of nuance. But it’s still a binary for telling people you think they suck based on your subjective opinion about their conduct.
But I have a solution!
I don’t care about being nice. Being nice is different from being polite or being kind. Being nice is being fake to avoid conflict. Being nice is about getting people to like you.
Being kind is about doing what is best for them without imposing your opinions on them. It’s not transactional.
So this is where the bad place conversation fell apart. The person intent on arguing with me didn’t accept a difference between kindness and being nice. Maybe they didn’t understand one existed. I chose the kindness of ending the conversation by walking away. They will have to analyze their own behavior and learn to be better.
They were hung up on kindness enabling being mean. But that’s niceness. Kindness knows the best thing to do with a mean person is to disengage or help them correct the meanness.
You must be Cruel to be Kind.
Hamlet was right.
Tolerating being mean is unkind to yourself and to everyone else that person is mean to. The kindest action is not to make peace, or laugh politely, or remove yourself. The Kindest action is to eliminate the behavior, forever.
This is the rub, though.
How do you practice kindness while correcting a behavior?
Non-Violent Communication. Here’s an example:
I love all people, including you, transfolk.
Well I don’t like transfolk.
I’m hearing you say you don’t like an entire group of people because of one aspect of their identity. Is that correct?
Yes. [Something horrible about us].
When you say that about transfolk, it makes me angry. It makes me not want to spend time with you. It makes me want to warn others about what you said.
Oh, so you’re going to cancel me?
What I’m hearing is that you are afraid that your opinion about transfolk would be used against you if it was widely known. Is that correct?
Yeah, liberals will cancel anyone who disagrees with them.
Why do you think they would disagree with you…
You get the point.
I didn’t engage in name-calling. I made it clear how i felt, and about what actions I feel I must take. I didn’t walk away, but I also didn’t sink to the level of being unkind. I held my ground and investigated the issue. If we came to an impasse, that would be the end of it, and I would try to cancel them, because that behavior is dangerous. My trans brothers and sisters are literally being murdered (our murder rate is 4x the national average, and 75% of that is black women being murdered. 95% of those murdered are women). It has doubled since 2017. Actual numbers are probably significantly higher because transphobes misgender us in reports.
Yeah, but if we are just mean to them when they are mean, they will stop or leave me alone.
They might, but it’s unlikely.
They are far more likely to escalate or be embittered.
But one thing is assured: you’ve lost your own ability to claim that you are not a person who does mean things.
The Efficacy of Kindness
Does kindness work?
Sometimes.
Don’t you just get pushed around and taken advantage of?
Sometimes.
Then you are enabling the behavior!
No. I’m not. I’m actively resisting it in a way that is morally honest for myself. I don’t want to be a person who does mean things to other people. I want to win people over, not make them pariahs.
So kindness is the only way. You’re saying I’m wrong.
Yes. Because if you choose to be mean, that is a behavior I can’t condone. I will have to do what is in my power to do what is best for you, for myself, and for everyone you are hurting. And that may not be nice.
Conclusion
Choosing kindness is hard. I’m not perfect.
My brain is pessimistic and sees the worst in people.
But my brain is not me. I am stronger than my brain. I can choose to be a better person than my amygdala wants me to be.
So if I’m not being kind, let me know.
But if I’m not being nice, you’re probably being mean.